Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
I have gone back and forth for a while now, trying to decide if this is something that I want to share or not. In the end, I feel like I should. So here it is. Miscarriage. There, I said it, spelled it out, shared it. One word that has so much emotion and meaning to it, yet seems so “dirty” and “secretive” all at the same time.
Let me put this into context for you. My husband and I received the shock of our lives earlier this year, when out of nowhere we got pregnant. I say out of nowhere, because we have been trying, or not “not trying” for 7 YEARS, and nothing. I was almost resigned to the fact that maybe adoption was down our alley. Then BAM, there it is, it happened out of the blue, on no special occasion.
To share with you my emotions at the time wouldn’t really give it justice. Instead of joy, my first thought was fear. Why? Because I was going into my senior year at MSU. After all that time not “not trying” with a full time job, God decides THIS is the time? HOLY MOLY. How are we gonna do this? We started making plans, started adjusting, started ANTICIPATING the unknown.
Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
And as quickly as it came, it went away. Our little peanut wasn’t ready. Just two months in, and God decided it wasn’t meant to be. Words to describe the pain and suffering can’t be laid to paper. I am tearing up just writing this. I didn’t know how much I was attached and how much I would miss him/her. So I dealt, sort of, and mostly pushed it away. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want people to know our “business.” I drank. A LOT. You know what though? Several months of that, and it all boiled over one day, and I realized this was not how I was going to get through.
Psalm 46:1-2 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.”
So what is my point? My point is I need to talk about it, share it, deal with it. Miscarriages are so painful… yes they are hard to talk about let alone think about. I found out many people have gone through this, as have I, but no one really wants to talk about it. We created a LIFE, one that is now gone. By not talking about it, I feel like people don’t understand or even know that our peanut was alive and existed. He/she had a heartbeat. I heard it. And now he/she is in heaven, looking over us, helping us through the dark days.
Revelation 21:4 “ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
So what gets me through? GOD. FAITH. MY HUSBAND. PRAYERS. FAMILY. FRIENDS. All of it has helped, and through God I am starting to see the light. I felt His presence on our darkest day, and at times I feel like I am as far away as possible from Him. But each day is a journey, knowing that as long as I believe and keep an open heart, we will see our peanut again, and we will be able to add (NOT start, we already did that) to our growing family.
So there it is. My heart is heavy with the yearning for the little one we lost. Some days are good. Others, not so good. But I want the conversation to start, so people don’t have to be afraid to talk about it, share their experiences, share in the life that was. Reminisce, remember, and never forget. RIP our little peanut (March 2014-May 2014).
This little nugget of kindness was shared to me, and it helps me through:
‘Am I a mother, as I have no child with me.’ My reply is this, ‘If you have ever held a child in your womb you are a mother, and I can think of no one who deserves that accolade more that those who have had to give their child back’.—Zoe Clark-Coates